Other than a mild flicker of interest that they bothered to get back to you the only surprising thing about an art competition or agency rejection email is when it’s for something you haven’t submitted.

Read Post

The Sax-Coburgs were never that easy on the eye
So thank god for princess Di
She held a special place in our hearts,
The one reserved for over privileged tarts
Throwing up breakfast and falling down the stairs,
Getting off airplanes and wearing dresses,
A posh baby factory with one GCSE
Diana adulation reached as far as we could see

That happy year of 1997
Was marked by Diana’s departure to heaven
‘A’ level results and Cornish binge drinking
Early morning waking up and blinking
At the photos of Dodi and Di on the med
Who’d have thought she’d soon be brown bread

Having moved out from home
Into a new flat in Banbury
Imagine my surprise turning on the TV
On the first day of my new found freedom
To see that most irritating vacuous waste of cash
Had been flattened in a tunnel smash

My grief began to swell
As I realized she was not only on the BBC
But on every other channel as well
My first week that would be parent free
Had its television ruined

Tony B.liar named her ‘Princess of Hearts‚’
Is just a shallow overpriced fountain her legacy?
Unapproachable due to security
Or maybe you thought Di was an oxygen thief
But she left us public outpourings of grief

In ten years my feelings have not changed
Diana is still plastered across the pages of the press
Still she is solely responsible for selling the Daily Express
Grief merchandise continues
Without her here would we give a stuff?
About that little paper shifter
Madeline sadly snuff’t

Chris Shipton, 2007

Shiptonblogs green credentials took a major leap forward today as I got a rant read out on Matthew Bannister’s phone in on 5live this morning.The morning phone in is the rantie-est programme around and I often listen to it, and find myself firing off emails as I disagree with whatever nutter, politco or so-called expert has to say. And recently I have had some success getting them actually read out!
So when I heard the trail for today’s show was going to be on the environment and carbon trading and the governments lame ideas I prepared a little rant and fired it off. Imagine my surprise when it was the FIRST email read out to open the show!! Success!! So for your listen pleasure you can download the Mp3 I cunningly made.

Here is American Maxims’ top twenty worst films list as voted for by their moronic humorless scumbag readership. I find it hard to describe my shock, horror and outrage that BTILC has been made No.1 in this list.

1. Big Trouble in Little China: This film is wicked and I won’t hear a bad word against it.
2. Porky’s: shit
3. Showgirls: you get to see the annoying one from Saved by the Bell in the buff, just turn the sound off.
4. Dolemite: never seen it.
5. Dead Alive (Braindead): Peter Jacksons first film. It’s great!
6. Billy Madison. Nope, never seen it.
7. The Island of Dr. Moreau: I didn’t think this was that bad actually. I always find Val Kilmer interesting to watch ‘cos he’s such a wierdo.
8. Commando: This film is quality through and through…’BENNET’
9. Missing in Action: Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
10. Best of the Best: Dunno.
11. The Toxic Avenger: Apparently Tromo are legendary, never seen it but Fangoria used to go on about how great it was all the time.
12. Starship Troopers: This film is immense, pure entertainment all the way through, Verhoven at his psycho best.
13. Boondock Saints: no idea
14. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins: nope.
15. They Live: John Carpenter cannot go wrong!
16. Tango & Cash: Used to be on Channel 5 every week, complete with prison bit and an over the top robo gun car at the end.
    
17. Over the Top: Stallone Arm Wrestling.
18. Hot Dog…The Movie! : dunno,
19. Hard Target: Certainly one of Van Damme’s best, with Lance Henrikson in it too. Jean Claude has made far shitter films than this.
20. The Beastmaster: Haven’t seen it, but it’s supposed to be on a par with Krull, which always gives me a migraine if I try to watch it.

I find it hard to believe American Maxim readers find enough time between watching Bergman and Almodovar to select these films. Big Trouble in Little China is an awesome film and anyone who doesn’t like it deserves to be sent to the Hell of the Boiling Oil never to return.

People may have noticed that today we launched a military sattelite called SKYNET!!

Have the mad scientists SEEN Terminator? Surely everyone has seen terminator? What are they thinking?

Mass turkey genocide in February indicates the seasonal return of Bird Flu paranoia. On Saturday I had some delicious duck breast that I cooked myself. 3mins on one side and 2mins on the other, it was bright purple and practically quacked as I stuck my fork in it. As far as I can tell I have not gotten Bird Flu yet.

Here is a very brief guide to Bird Flu:

1. Bird Flu is not Bernard Mathews fault and is nothing to do with turkey twizzlers
2. Can I re-iterate that Bernard Mathews is not to blame for bringing Bird Flu to Britain
3. When we are all dieing of Bird Flu our thoughts of Bernard Matthews will simply be that of nostalgia for the soft focus adverts from the 80′s where he said ‘Bootiful’ and not bitter resentment for his bringing Bird Flu to the UK.
4. A man who would refer to reclaimed turkey meat as ‘Bootiful’ in an advert specifically directed at young children is the sort of responsible chap who would never ever allow some terrible mishap to happen at one of his intensive turkey farms that could result a plague of death and destruction like Europe has never before seen.

Jade has to learn to love Big Brother. It made her, its unmade her, and it will make her again. She is utterly in Big Brothers thrall, and has been subjected to more than 30 minutes of hate, her life is room 101. A product of her environment, Channel 4, she has been shown up to be an Ignorant bully. She will never realise that it is possible to escape her captors by rejecting Big Brother, rejecting Channel 4 and rejecting shit sleb magazines.

She can’t and won’t, despite it being her only real chance of redemption.

Having escaped the office for this week I have managed to calm down a little bit. From my blog station I can look out of the window at the garden. So I have made a wonderful representation of it for you, the blog readers.

OK I can’t resist it. I have a Blog and its my duty as ‘one who blogs’ to pass comment on Big Brother. The normal clich√©d phrase when writing an article like this is to say “unless you‚Äôve been under a rock you’ll know that Big Brother..blah..blah..blah..”. I would like to rephrase it. Unless you have a normal fufilling life, rich in activities and diverse interests, you’ll know we are in mid Big Brother season, and you will have been wasting your precious minutes of life watching it.

There have been countless column inches and furore generated over Big Brother. Usually its people obsessively commenting on it or otherwise lamenting the state of the world that watches this shite. I would like to fit into the latter category. Of course I have already lost the battle by mentioning it. Big Brother can only be stopped by denial of the oxygen of publicity. It must be written out of history.

Big Brother is the omnipresent media being that everyone loves, everyone knows and everyone talks about. The main concept, re-education of members of the public into celebrities. Willing victims are kept in a state of perpetual war, we watch them commit thought crimes. We see as they inform on each other. Ever aware of their actions they must conform to a code of behaviour, but they don‚Äôt know what that is, they will never know what the correct answer is. The punishment will only stop when we decide. And when faced with their greatest fear they scream ‘do it to the other one, not me, do it to them’. As a result we learn to hate them, and as they are expelled we see the massed hordes screaming abuse at them. Then they disappear.

The worst thing about this inescapable entity is Big Brother will have won if I go to my grave hating Big Brother. If I even think about Big Brother on my deathbed they will have won.

For further reading check out this, the ultimate Big Brother site

It seems the recent bird flu outbreak in Norwich was good bird flu rather than bad bird flu. It was only H7N3 which doesn’t kill anything. As 15,000 birds have been put to death we can breath a sigh of relief FOR NOW. After we have lulled ourselves into a false sense of security BIRD FLU WILL STRIKE.

Apparently Private Eye have run a cartoon of a bird in a cowel holding a scythe. Its good to know they are reading shiptonblog!

For some scaremongering I have included the like to the daily mails bird flu info centre:

Inacurate paranoid fantasy

Its not as entertaining as its binge drinking info centre:

If BIRD FLU doesnt get us BOOZE will..